• Paulina Porizkova wants to die after her husband Ric Ocasek’s death.
• Porizkova discovered Ocasek had left her out of his will a few days later, alleging she had “abandoned” him.
• The “Anna” actress admits she can’t even recall the first year following Ocasek’s passing.

Paulina Porizkova yearned to die in the wake of the passing of her estranged husband Ric Ocasek.

The model, 57, adds in an exclusive interview for her new book of essays, “No Filter: The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful,” “I mean, how many people wouldn’t [think about it], you know?”

It wasn’t even so much that I considered when or how to end my life; it was just an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I can’t continue doing this. Simply said, I want to leave. I can’t bear to be the same person, feeling the same things, when I wake up tomorrow morning. I’m finding it too heavy to carry.

While bringing him coffee in September 2019 as the Cars frontman recovered from a recent surgery in his Gramercy Park apartment, Porizkova discovered Ocasek’s body. He was 75.

The couple still enjoyed meals together even though they had been living apart for two years and were going through a divorce. Jonathan and Oliver, who are now 29 and 24, respectively, still resided with them.

Porizkova discovered Ocasek had left her out of his will a few days later, alleging she had “abandoned” him.

The rocker’s final will and testament stated, “I have made no provision for my wife Paulina Porizkova… as we are in the process of divorcing.”

Even if I were to pass away before our divorce was official, Because she abandoned me, Paulina is not entitled to any elective shares.

After 28 years of marriage, the couple made their split announcement in May 2018.

While making the music video for the smash song “Drive” by The Cars in 1984, the two met. Porizkova was only 19 years old, whereas Ocasek was a married father of four who was 40.

Looking back, the former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl describes the October 2021 settlement for the will exclusion as “vindictive.”

It was extremely difficult because, first of all, you’re grieving the loss of the person who has been the center of your universe for all of your existence. There was so much suffering that it just kept piling up. and after that, there was a lot of betrayal,” she explains.

The “Anna” actress admits she can’t even recall the first year following Ocasek’s passing.

She adds, “I remember feeling kind of numb for a while and then sinking into fury.” It wasn’t like, “I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him,” for me after that. Instead, it was more along the lines of, “You know, I mourn him, but look what he did, too.” I mean, how can I miss a guy who abused me like this? I really do miss him in that way. Your entire life cannot be completely erased. It was difficult, and it probably will be difficult for the rest of my life.

By “focused on thankfulness” and remembering all the good times they had together, Porizkova claims she has come to terms with Ocasek’s legal treachery. She theorizes that “part of his vindictiveness was that he still cared.”

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