Do’s and Dont’s of Date Night

Dating makes you want to die. It’s messy, anxiety-inducing, and give you butterflies and in the end you require a ton of confidence and extroversion. Above all that, we aren’t even given a user manual that tells us what to or not to do as we meander through this big wide world searching for the one! In simpler terms, it’s not easy. Then again, nothing ever is (unless you were born with wealth). In any case, here are some tips and tricks for a successful Date Night that may help you impress your potential significant other and gain some serious traction in the world of dating. (PSA: Some takes are satirical and should not be taken seriously.)

DO (put a thumbs up here )

Have an exit strategy on standby

In the world of dating, you never know what the date will actually go like. Sure, the other person was fine when you were texting and had all the witty responses fired up. They were even profound at times, and you were smitten. But the real test comes in how well you both meld in person. And if that’s not working out, you need a quick and clean exit so you can salvage the rest of the night with your best friends. Have a friend call you with some fake urgent matter you must attend to immediately, for example, an asteroid is about to hit planet Earth and only you can save the world! This way, you won’t have to hurt their feelings and still be able to leave in an understanding and polite manner.

Be extra

Listen to me, this is date night and you have to bring your A-game no matter how lowkey or trivial the setting is. Whatever makeup you like, however wild your dress silhouette is, as long as you Glam up to the fullest of your capabilities, you’ve already won! And if anybody has the audacity to ask you as to why you are so over-dressed, fire back at them and ask: why are they so under-dressed? It’s not a game, this is your life, and you must own the room with every step. To gather some confidence, try to think of yourself as a character from Euphoria; Would Maddy ever doubt herself and the way she dresses? Nope. And neither should you! It’s your world, everyone else is a side character.

Be on the lookout for red flags

No, you’re not overthinking it. If you feel it in your gut, then it is probably true. Psychoanalyse all the way, it is endorsed. But do so internally, and dip at the slightest sign of crazy. Apart from emotional tells, scope out their living situation and personality as well. Your date talks about their mom a little too much? Say goodbye and leave. Your date mentions a drastically high number of pets? You run far from them. For calibration: Having one cat is cute, two cats is normal enough, three is questionable but okay, four is where you draw the line. It’s always a good idea to have some sort of scale to deduce your date’s personality from!

Add a dramatic flair

Break out in a Scottish accent as your order your food, clutch your pearls and let out loud theatrical gasps as your date tells a thrilling story, or even faint dramatically as you embrace your main character moment. It’s all valid and purposeful as it not only makes things more exciting, but adds shock value and keeps your date on their toes. And if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or support you on these hijinks, then they do not deserve you. Wish them goodbye, buy an ice cream tub on the way home, put Taylor Swift on Spotify shuffle, and embrace some alone time instead.

Check for self-awareness

Yes, this one’s important. In today’s world of easy access to practically any issue and topic that affects society, people have no reason or justification to remain ignorant. And especially when it comes to your potential partner, it should definitely not be your responsibility to educate them. Strike them with a “What are your thoughts on the Ugandan crises?” kind of a question. If they can’t whip out a thesis on the prompt you give them, they are not it and have failed your test.

Commit some mild arson

What’s more romantic than setting something on fire together? It keeps you warm, looks pretty, and brings the two of you closer together as you find joy in the mutual destruction of the world around you. Nothing more exciting than some spontaneous arson, and it will make for an interesting memory you tell your children should things progress well with your date. Plus, that warm fiery glow will serve as the perfect real-life golden hour photo op. Don’t be shy, grab that lighter fluid and go for it!

DON’T

Order a difficult meal

Sure, that char-grilled four-layer burger may sound appetising, but do you really want to eat it in a restaurant on a date you may want to impress. It’s messy to eat, and you will definitely end up looking like a lion viciously devouring their prey, while possibly ending up with a string of meat stuck in those pearly whites. Don’t order buffalo wings either, for your hands, face, hair and your entire existence will be a sticky mess, which we do not want, at all. You’re going for an elegant high fashion moment, so order some food that fits the vibe! Imagine yourself in France, sitting at a petite roadside bistro, and maybe opt for a light pasta instead.

Reveal that you’ve been stalking them all week

I mean, we all know that you have a highly detailed spreadsheet on your date which lists everything ranging from the name of their grandmother’s aunt to their fourth-grade childhood trauma. And chances are your date has one on you too. It’s the name of the game in today’s ‘broadcast your entire life on the internet’ kind of world! But if you start the conversation with your date’s alma mater and how their hair looked in 2004 (which you found thanks to your mad Google image search skills), you are going to creep them out. Big-time. Instead, ease them into it if you really want to talk about a certain event from their past. Put out subtle questions and steer them in that direction gently. Or just go with the flow!

Wear uncomfortable shoes

While life is temporary but the drip is forever, it’s still advisable to place safe bets on a date. You may be tempted to bring out those nine-inch heels, but you never know how the night will go. Your date’s car might break down suddenly and you could be forced to walk seven miles off the highway, and eventually find yourself foraging for edible plants, and making dinner in the forest. Tough to do all that with heels on. Go for flats and make your life easy, all the while making it high fashion at the same time.

Trauma dump

No matter how nice of a listener the other person is, it’s probably better to keep the hard stuff away from the dinner table. We do not want to poke some emotional barrel and open a pandora’s box before the appetisers have even arrived. That doesn’t mean you avoid deep conversations, but just regulate them so they focus more on the larger spiritual aspect of it all, rather than something more serious. Make sure that any run-down mascara on the date is an aesthetic choice, as opposed to a result of a tear-jerker conversation.

Instagram your date

If you are tempted to put up an Instagram story, then please don’t. It’d be even worse if you were going to put it up as a post. What you need to do is have patience; do a soft launch of the date first. Post your food pics instead and maybe your date’s hand just so happens to be in the picture. That gets people curious: who are you having dinner with? But you won’t tell them, not just yet. If things go well, amp up the mystery with a photo next to a hooded figure, or maybe just their arm around you and the rest cropped out. Finally, when you’re three kids down with your now-partner, maybe then do the final reveal! HA, the ultimate surprise. They’ll never see it coming.