Abuse behind closed doors

KARACHI: One could have envied Sualeha; she seemed to have a perfect life — married with two beautiful kids, car and driver at her disposal, freedom to meet friends, everything a young woman would have dreamed of.

However, she disclosed something about herself that was, till then, a closely guarded secret. She was in what we call a ‘toxic’ relationship; facing abuse at the hands of her husband, whom everyone thought had given her everything in life.

She had been facing abuse at his hands for 25 years but nobody got to know of it as there were no scars on the body. It was not physical abuse but psychological or emotional abuse. Saba’s story is not much different. She contracted a love marriage but within a month, her husband stopped being his charming self that he was during the courtship days. However, as the issues did not happen suddenly, she did not realise what was happening, the victim claimed.

He would constantly compare her to others, even his female friends, and would constantly find faults in her. He would criticise everything about her and anything she did, such as her choice of clothes and the films she watched. Since she was slightly chubby, he would body shame her. And when she objected, he would allegedly gaslight her, claiming he was ‘joking and that she does not have a sense of humour.’

Both these women are victims of emotional or psychological abuse; a form of abuse that even the victim fails to recognise easily.

Various forms of violence

Violence against women in various forms is rampant around the world and is ingrained in the global culture of discrimination against women that allows violence to occur with impunity, and is often resorted to in order to exert patriarchal dominance that is socially sanctioned.

Various forms of violence — physical violence, psychological or emotional violence, sexual violence, child marriage, and the more recent form of online harassment — are mostly researched and detectable forms. Meanwhile, emotional or psychological violence is a neglected area, to the extent that some people may even know what emotional violence is. Often referred to as psychological or emotional abuse, emotional violence is any non-physical behaviour or attitude, such as verbal assault, isolation, ridicule, threats, or the use of personal knowledge for degradation, that is employed to control, subdue, or punish someone in a way that their mental or emotional well-being are affected.

As with physical abuse, the underlying objective of emotional abuse is to control the victim; only the method changes and instead of slaps, blows and kicks, foul language, threats, isolation, and silencing are used as weapons to control. Emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, though physical abuse may not necessarily lead to emotional abuse.

The impact of psychological violence is not less than that of physical violence, as it targets the emotional and psychological well-being of the victim. Whether it is constant criticism, bullying, demeaning behaviour, not paying attention, or infringing on one’s privacy, psychological abuse erodes a person’s self-esteem and the victim may lose their self-worth and begin to doubt their own perceptions and reality.

Health problems

As a result of consistent abuse, the victim may suffer from a number of health problems, from depression and anxiety to stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, eating disorders, and insomnia.

Emotional abuse may not leave the visible scars that physical abuse does. The scars are hidden in the self-doubt, worthlessness, self-loathing and the sense of shame that the victim feels, and are no leass of a burden for the victim. Many victims say that the scars from emotional abuse last far longer and are much deeper than those from physical abuse.

As much as the scars of psychological abuse are hidden, the problem is also not commonly talked about or recognised. When we talk about (domestic) violence we generally refer to physical abuse and tend to ignore psychological abuse, although it is as much prevalent, if not more, as physical abuse.

This form of abuse is one of the hardest forms to recognise. Sometimes, in the initial stages, even the victim fails to understand that they are being abused as it is often subtle and insidious and can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

As Sualeha tells, no matter what she did, it would not please her husband; he wanted everything ready when he came to the dining table and on a minute’s delay in reheating the food she would have to hear his taunts. She was not allowed to eat before him and would wait for hours as he had irregular timings and sometimes after hours of waiting he would come and casually tell her that he has already eaten.

He would threaten to divorce her and throw her out of the house for every little thing — not going somewhere, going out somewhere, not socialising with someone, not wearing the right clothes, and if she ever dared to not agree he would simply throw her out of the house.

With emotional abuse, the problem is that sometimes people themselves do not realise that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship until it is too late. If one knows what emotional abuse is, it is not that difficult to realise that one is trapped in an abusive relationship. The tell-tale signs of emotional abuse are feeling hurt, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious or worthless whenever one interacts with the abuser.

To understand, to some extent, what emotional abuse is, the readers may recall the drama Khaas aired during 2019. The protagonist constantly demeans and belittles his wife who begins to doubt her own feelings and is constantly trying to come up to her husband’s expectations.

Since emotional abuse is often subtle, it can be very hard to detect. Even close friends and family members often fail to recognise the behaviour as abuse; sometimes the perpetrator himself does not realise that his actions are hurtful.

Although emotional abuse is not restricted to women as men too are subjected to emotional abuse like other forms of violence, it is more hidden in women and less talked about. Often women are not believed when they speak out about being abused as the husband may be providing them with a good lifestyle, buying them expensive gifts etc. These activities may often make others believe that they have a happy life and the blame falls on the woman for complaining or being ungrateful. Most often the women are expected to bear it silently as in our society, abuse is generally believed to be part of the relationship and women are told to be tolerant and flexible, and not to react as it triggers the person to abuse.

Half the time, the woman is told that it must be her fault that her husband treats her like this. Unfortunately, in our society it is always the woman’s fault, whether she is abused, sexually assaulted, fails to bear a child or is divorced.

A woman deciding to walk out of a toxic relationship (often in a marriage) is discouraged at every step, be it her parents, community elders or clerics. The same thing happened with Sualeha. Whenever she went back to her parents’ house she was ‘sent back home’ to face more taunts and abuse. When she contacted a maulana for khula after 20 years of bearing all the abuse, she was once against gaslighted after the clergyman told her to ‘be patient and focus on her faith’ instead of facilitating her divorce. It is time that efforts are made to eradicate violence against women and help them attain equality and dignity.

The Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women in its Article 4-C asserts that states have an obligation to “Exercise due diligence to prevent, investigate and, in accordance with national legislation, punish acts of violence against women, whether those acts are perpetrated by the State or by private persons.” The 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-based Violence observed every year from November 25 to December 10 highlights violence against women and girls around the world and works towards its elimination.

The dates are significant as Nov 25 is the International Day of Elimination of Violence against Women, and Dec 10 is Human Rights Day, and the campaign during these 16 days stresses the link between violence against women and human rights. The campaign hopes to raise awareness about gender-based violence as a human rights issue at the local, national, regional, and international level.

While during the 16 days of Action Campaign the world attention is on violence against women in all its prevalent forms, psychological abuse should not be allowed to take a back seat just because it does not leave any obvious scars. The scars it leaves on the victim’s mind and soul sometimes break the person and cause irreparable damage.

(Victims’ names have been changed to protect privacy).

The writer is a freelance contributor.