Conspiracy of silence

“تیری پیاری پیاری صورت کو ظالم کی نظر نہ لگے ”

‘May your lovely, beautiful face not ever fall prey to the gaze of the tyrant.’

(Sign at the back of a rickshaw)

‘The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells,” says Professor of Psychology Sam Vaknin.

The statistics speak for themselves. Nearly 70 to 90% of Pakistani women have been subjected to domestic violence. The various forms of domestic violence include physical, mental and emotional abuse. According to the 2017-2018 Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 28 percent of women aged 15 to 49 have experienced violence by their partners. This is just the tip of the iceberg, because there are many cases that are brushed under the carpet by nervous families.

Toxic men should come with a statutory warning: beware of those who want to entrap a beautiful, lively, accomplished individual and slowly crush her spirit in their fists. Crush her to smithereens and take pleasure in her downfall. When she starts falling apart and scattering like the pearls from a necklace tugged too hard, the sight is enough to gladden their hearts and make them feel omnipotent.

This is the classic playbook that is the mantra for such toxic individuals. Ignore, isolate, diminish, dismiss, humiliate, punish. It is a manual that appears to have been followed in the case of domestic violence filed against TV actor Feroz Khan by his ex-wife Alizeh Sultan. Far from showing remorse at the hard evidence filed in court, Khan has denied everything and is busy riding horses in black shalwar kameez in his social media posts with inane captions like not quitting, only enduring. Ironic, considering that enduring his toxic behaviour is what his ex-wife did for the sake of their young children. But then in order to understand that nuance, one would have to display some remnant of shame.

It is never easy for a women to stand up for herself or her children in a patriarchal society, because when she takes that step she often finds herself alone and the object of ridicule. Unfortunately, when it comes to crimes against women like domestic violence, the onus of the proof shifts from the aggressor to the survivor. The woman is called upon to prove her allegations while the man struts on the stage of public opinion. The woman is subjected to character assassination and vilification which goes on for years. Often the lack of family support is a deciding factor in women deciding to bear the violence quietly. Parents can prefer a dead daughter over a feisty daughter who decides to break her shackles and really live her life. Sadly, many women are part of this conspiracy of silence which seeks to throttle the voices of battered women. Again, this is evident in the Khan case with the actor’s sisters going all out to save his dented image.

The entertainment industry largely remained silent over the allegations by Alizeh Sultan until she presented the proof of the beatings in court. It was then that they tripped over each other trying to express outrage and condemning the actor. But such outrage has a short shelf life as illustrated by the case of actor Mohsin Abbas Haidar whose wife had accused him of domestic abuse as well. Naturally Haidar denied it all, lay low for a while, started reciting na’ats and is now back at work doing big budget films. When a famous musician was called out for collaborating with Haidar, he tied himself into a pretzel explaining how although he condemned domestic violence, art and real life should not ever be mixed up. Recently, Khan’s latest TV drama’s director repeated the same views trying to persuading viewers not to mix art with reality.

How did Haidar rehabilitate himself? By using the crutch of religion. Khan is going down the same route. Pictures of him performing Umrah and changing his social media’s display picture to that of Islamic calligraphy are amongst his latest offerings. It is as if donning a religious mantle is enough to ward off any criticism about being a wife beater. It is time the conspiracy of silence that aids, abets and promotes perpetrators of domestic abuse is lifted.

It was hoped that the Domestic Violence Bill will ensure legal protection and relief for victims. But despite being passed by the National Assembly, its passage was halted after an adviser to the Prime Minister recommended that it be sent to the Council of Islamic Ideology for review.

Apart from the bill, there is an urgent need for the training of police personnel in handling domestic abuse cases. Officers need to be trained about domestic violence to ensure that they are empathetic and understanding and start investigations as soon as possible. Women police officers should also be brought into these units.

Since domestic violence is considered to be a private matter as it occurs in the family, hence it is not deemed suitable for policy changes. But surely the winds of change blowing across the country also need to bring a about change in the mind set of citizens as well as the government.

Apart from politicking, the federal and provincial governments need to make the prevention of violence against women and children their urgent priority. Look at the reflection in the mirror and stop living in denial.