Of abuse and abused

Why people do not leave abusive relationships

Relationships are like saplings, they need to be nurtured otherwise they cannot find firm footing in the ground. However, in many cases, it has been observed that not much focus is put into cultivating a nurturing, mutually respectful relationship.

Why is it that relationships fail? Or rather why is it that people get into a relationship hastily, only to be miserable in the said relationship and they seem unable to move on from it? There are many reasons as relationships have many facets, people, in general, find it difficult to navigate the sea of emotions which are part and parcel of a relationship. Another key factor is sheer economics, in majority of the cases, women are dependent on men, for financial support. So, they bear the brunt of their wrath. However, this is not the only reason why people find themselves unable to leave an abusive relationship. . Take a new mother, for example, she has given birth to a new life, her body has undergone a massive change, hormones are rampant in her system, but if she feels depressed after giving birth, she is often ridiculed and mocked. Postpartum depression is a very real illness affecting new mothers, but addressing it and finding a solution is not on our ‘to-do’ list.

A new mother is expected to be ‘happy’, the child that keeps her awake all night to be fed and taken care of ‘should be’ the centre of her universe. If she complains, she is usually met with criticism. Such is our society. The plight of women is beyond ‘horrible’, while we get shocked at the glaring statistics of women being abused physically, we pay no attention to women who are probably around us and are suffering in silence. There is no support group, they feel trapped and cannot get out. As a result, she starts resenting her child, this is the first step towards an endless cycle.

The child is neglected or overly criticised, when that child grows up, he or she has been ‘programmed’ a certain way, they feel inadequate, unsure of themselves and their strengths. They always second-guess themselves. When these adults get into relationships, the baggage they carry, though invisible, is very real. They are mostly avoidant, meaning they avoid conflict at all costs, and seem to be very possessive, anything can trigger their possessive streak, and they want to exert ‘control’.

Spouses stuck with ‘avoidant personalities’ have a difficult time communicating with them, as with any ‘concern’, they stonewall their spouse, making it very difficult to come to a solution. As mentioned earlier, they exert control, something that was missing from their own childhood, but which was present in a parent. They dictate to their spouse who to communicate with, what to wear, where to go, what to watch and where to spend. With time, the spouse thinks, things will get better, but with time, the obsession with control grows, until the spouse feels physically suffocated, and find themselves unable to walk away.

Asiya was married for 10 years, her husband was touted as the most ‘eligible bachelor’ of his time. Dashing good looks and an affluent family, what else could a girl ask for? Only when she ended up in the dysfunctional family structure did she encounter reality. The mother was a matriarch of the family, her husband and consequently, she had to take permission for the tiniest of things. Nothing could be done in that household without the mother’s approval.

The husband, on the other hand, in the privacy of their room would ask her about her friends, who she interacted with, and where she spent her time and money. Asiya was stuck in a gilded ‘cage’, try as she might, she could not reason with her husband, who saw nothing wrong with, ‘mother’. She begged her husband to let her work, but that was frowned upon by the family, he stonewalled her yet again. She could not use her skills or her mind, or earn her own living. She was completely dependent on her husband.. This is not a fictional story out of a soap opera, Asiya suffered immense pain. Her own family was ignored and belittled.

During that time Asiya had no friends, no social life, her job was to wait for her husband, listen to the mother-in-law and smile. She was not ‘allowed’ to go out anywhere ‘alone’. The more she was surrounded by her in-laws, the more isolated she became. Things changed when her long-time friend came over to visit her, she quickly assessed the situation, and after that, despite Asiya trying to brush her off, she stuck to her side. It was the friend who helped her see how toxic the situation was for her. Ultimately, Asiya filed for divorce, she had endured endless psychological pain for far too long.

The in-laws, as one would assume became outraged, they always treated her as a ‘daughter’, and she was ungrateful for their kindness. Asiya fought and ultimately got out. Her husband had never physically harmed her. But her scars run deep.

“My husband was kind and gentle, as long as I did what he or my mother-in-law wanted me to do. If I didn’t, he would stop talking to me for days, if I brought up any problems, he would listen and just stop talking, it was their way or nothing. Yes, I have no physical scars, but the torture I went through was very real.”

According to Asiya, she assumed this is what love was, so she compromised. Her own mother, being happy about her daughter being married off did not know what was happening. When she found out, she took her son-in-law’s side. Asiya, however, stood her ground. She is now working and she lives independently, she seems satisfied.

It begs to question why Asiya, with no apparent physical scars, suffered immensely. Dr Saima Quershi, a renowned psychiatrist sheds light on the subject. “We live in a society where women have to follow the rules, for them, even in 2022 the ultimate goal is to find a good husband. Husbands are considered the primary care providers, it does not matter how independent or successful the woman is, she needs a ‘suitable’ match. This conditioning begins at her birth, another thing that the society imposes on women is ‘to compromise’. I mean, if a woman is not allowed to meet her own friends, it’s a problem. Most women spend their lives stuck in such cycles, and when they become mothers themselves, they repeat the cycle for another generation. It is expected of women to do so, sometimes we get an anomaly and that does not sit well with people”.

Why does society have such a death grip on us, what about individuality? Dr Saima frowns and looks up, “what individuality? People are conditioned to do as the society (which is a bunch of people) dictates. Those who do not, are mocked, ridiculed, ignored, made fun of in general, until they break. Most people break, as humans are social creatures, being ignored by their peers and family has irreversible psychological repercussions. Have you noticed, that those who are different than the norm are targeted? This happens in any setting, be it a family structure or an office setting, or even schools. The individual is systematically repressed until they come into the fold. The fold of toxicity”.

Why is it difficult for people to walk away from abusive relationships? Dr Saima opines that since a majority of people grew up witnessing abuse, it becomes part of their subconscious programming. Because of this reason, they are unable to identify red flags in a relationship and by the time they do, it is too late. “In my practice what I have noticed is startling, most people have co-dependent attachment styles, which, is very unhealthy. They end up with partners who are either avoidant or narcissistic and since they do not know any better, they stick it till the end. The cycle continues”.

Humans have evolved from a caveman to high-rise executives, the need of the hour is self-reflection and improving the mind, in order to have a better understanding of others and themselves. Until this happens, people like Asiya would keep suffering in silence and this scribe would be writing about the afflicted.