From Valentine to Belan-tine

Love is an abstract emotion, it is very difficult to logically explain this phenomenon

Karachi: Valentine’s day is fast approaching and urban centers are busy promoting their latest ‘love deals’. Special Valentine’s day packages, be it clothing or skincare, are also announced online. The majority of stores have a pink hue, so it is safe to assume that, ‘love is in the air’.

Youngsters find this as an opportunity to express their ‘love’, shopping online, or even going to the stores, ‘to finally declare their love’, it borders on slightly ostentatious, but when one has dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone coursing through one’s veins, thoughts of a more ‘practical nature’ take a backseat.

Valentine’s day trend found its footing with the surge of social media in Pakistan, now, it is one of the most celebrated festivals of the year, albeit foreign. Cards, poetry, roses, and chocolates are the most given gifts during this time, and true to its nature, the prices hike during the ‘season of romance’.

Reds and pinks are found all around, and youngsters groom themselves to look immaculately put together. Being courted during this time of the year is quite ‘coveted’, during the romantic season, even though it is a very conservative society. Some time ago, a video went viral of a couple hugging on Valentine’s day, at an upscale private college, only to have strict action taken against them. It is curious to see that educational institutions take such a hard stance on ‘romance’, but ‘bullying’ is usually brushed under the carpet.

Romance also finds its footing among the ‘not so young’, after all, one is as old as one thinks. Expressions of endearment are uttered to the latest ‘lady love’, only to come home to the wife, who is busy cooking a meal for a rather large family. The ‘wife’, is no longer found ‘appealing enough’, hence the chase to find a younger, more toned ‘lady love’ continues. Some wives ignore the red flags of deception, while others, according to some men, ‘are insanely jealous’ and they claim (men), that they fear for their security.

Love, in the South Asian context, is considered the ‘ultimate goal’, with marketing companies and movies making it seem as an attractive option, and ‘everyone ought to fall in love’. The films also show the extreme side of ‘romance’, where one person (the protagonist) is obsessively stalking the girl of his dreams, singing songs for her, and going out of his way to prove how devoted he is to her. This toxic personality trait is quite glamourized on the silver screen, it finds a firm footing in the hearts and minds of people. For this kind of effect, age is not in the cards, anyone can fall prey and imagine a ‘perfect paradise’ with ‘the person of their dreams’, only to wake up in the real world and realise the bleak reality of his or her surroundings.

As with abstract art, love is one emotion that is abstract in its true nature, one can find meaning in the most mundane things, but logically explaining the ‘phenomenon of love’ is difficult at best. However, people fall in love all the time, it is a global phenomenon. Saquib has fallen in love, more times than he can recall. With all his ‘latest loves’, it is always ‘the forever kind’, and his several marriages are a testament to that. However, once the ‘honeymoon period’ is over, resentment sets in, and soon after, he separates from his wife. It is embarrassing for his friends, as his marital status is always a mystery. One could run into his ‘wife’ at a mall or a shopping center and exchange pleasantries only to be given a cold shoulder, as ‘they are not together anymore’. “I mean I absolutely fall in love, I always propose, all my exes accepted my proposals, we got married, but then she changed, became too demanding, would not take care of the house, would back chat with me, of course then I have to end it.” Saquib looks melancholic recalling his several marriages, “listen, no one wants to cheat on his wife, but if the wife is always nagging, one can get attracted to someone else, its human nature, everyone wants to have a happy life, wives need to understand that. I mean everything is fine, till I marry them, then its like, that person I fell in love with never existed.” Saquib laments his fate, in his opinion, he is ‘cursed’ in the ‘love department’.

Samia has another story, she fell in love with her cousin when she was a teenager. Studying at an upscale school, she would sneak out to ‘spend quality time with him’. She, however, could not convince her parents to allow her to marry him. They broke up, she still recalls the feelings of warmth when she talks about him. She married and had children, but she kept in touch with her close friends, who kept constant tabs on him. This, in her and her friends’ minds, was considered ‘healthy’. Any woman her cousin (ex) liked, was made fun of, and ‘discouraged’ to get too attached to him. This trait of having a cake and eating it too is prevalent in a culture that is already pervasive.

Athar fell in love with his classmate, a comely girl, with perfect manners, he was too shy to express his feelings. His friend took advantage of Athar’s shyness and moved in on ‘his territory’. Being ignored by his lady love and betrayed by his friend was too much for him. He found comfort in alcohol and later, started experimenting with more ‘hard substances’, the final straw for his parents came when he got addicted to ‘ice’, or ‘crystal meth’. The drug is highly addicive, and slowly rots away the brain. The once intelligent boy is currently at a Rehab, and his parents are praying for his recovery.

“My son was the best student in school, he got A’s, now look at him, all our money has been flushed down the drain’, he is unrecognisable.” Athar’s mother prays for her son and says that his emotional health was badly affected after his friend’s betrayal, and now his future looks bleak. She urges youngsters to not chase girls in schools as it might end badly for them.

Mustafa was engaged to ‘the love of his life’ until he discovered she was cheating on him. “The betrayal was too much for me to bear, I realised, that it’s just a game, I tried to commit suicide. Thank God I did not. But I can play the game as well as anyone else, now I play the field. I am a master of deception. I need to have more than one lady love, I never get discovered.”

Mustafa’s change in personality occurred due to his immense trust in his fiancé. Once the betrayal occurred, he found refuge in getting validation by having as many lady loves as he could could. This is a form of control. It is important to note that emotional betrayal can lead to a host of mental health issues, which in Pakistan, are never addressed, resulting in a dysfunctional way to deal with trauma.

Sidra married the love of her life after many arguments at home. She, however, is unhappy in her wedded bliss as her husband belittles her at every opportunity. “I still love him so much, I don’t know, I fought with my parents to marry him, so I can’t go back. He is not the same person. He gets angry at every little thing, he finds faults with everything I do. I take care of his mother (who is so difficult), but I seriously think that he doesn’t love me.”

With social media’s surge, people are finding a voice and support groups, but by and large, society still judges a woman if she has an affair, or if she wants to leave a relationship. Many online forums claim to be ‘supportive’ of the women. However, whoever has issues, or is suffering, is usually told to, ‘mind her manners and stay married’, most women who offer this unsolicited advice hide behind ‘culture and religion’. In one instance, a woman had written about her abusive spouse, she was told online, ‘to make it work’. She was murdered by her husband. No one could do anything, had she sought actual help, she might have lived.

Akhtar is of the opinion that being married is an ‘uphill battle’, as the wives are generally ‘highly suspicious’ of their husbands. “You should educate women to trust their husbands, its very frustrating, I speak on the behalf of all husbands when I say, the wives need to be more trusting.” Akhtar makes his point of view clear, while locking eyes with a lovely lady who just passed him by. Denying the fact that he was caught multiple times by his wife, for his wandering eyes, he maintains that ‘wives are all the same, suspicious to the core’. While he talks about his wife in a manner not befitting ‘his better half’, his attitude completely changes when his wife enters. He gets up, greets her and then feigns care, which a moment ago he did not show.

Some husbands are genuinely caring, they take the opinions of their wives seriously. They encourage them to have a voice and stand by them. This is a very rare quality, if found, one should cherish it. It is also true for wives as well, some people just adjust better than others.

Love in its very essence is about total and complete acceptance of oneself and the other. Acceptance is hampered by social conditioning, and one finds oneself caught in a maze of intrigue, the tunnel is dark and full of mystery, but in most cases, the thrill lasts for a very short time. What is left is the shadow of what once was.